Kelly Rose Bradford: Expletives to swear by

Jan 16 2009

Kelly Rose Bradford

I must admit that in the privacy of my own home, I do love a good swear.

And really, who doesn't? Stub my toe on the door frame? Expletive. Drop something on the floor? Potty-mouth a-hoy. I'm even worse in the car, where 'swears like a trooper' doesn't even begin to cover it; my usually mild mannered demeanour and linguistic capabilities being channelled by a rum addled sailor on shore leave.

And - hurray - I'm not alone. A nationwide survey has found 87% of Brits confess to swearing on a daily basis. I won't tell you what the top five swear words are - though I admit I was surprised by what did come out top, being more of a user of what came second myself - but let's just say, number one on the list was used by 90% of people in the past week. So it's a popular little beast.

I am very careful never to swear outside of the house or the car, which can occasionally be a challenge, but, one, that on the whole I rise to. And rise to without having to resort to ridiculous non-swear-words instead. A friend said "Oh, noodles" the other day in a situation where a profanity would have been entirely in order and it made me so angry I nearly shrieked out a volley of cusses in reply.

Puffin, sugar-lumps, fiddlesticks and bollards having a similar effect on me.

But - and here's my caveat - despite my own love of a bit of in-house profanity, I can't really stand hearing other people swear at all, even if the situation is crying out for it.

It knots up my stomach and makes me wince. Especially when it is at odds with their apparent character: I guess it's all about perception - we expect the burly builder hanging off his ladder to utter a few well chosen obscenities as his bucket bounces ground-wards, but are sucking our breath in in horror when the blue-rinsed old lady does the same while in the queue at the fish counter.

Boy, fortunately, has not yet paid heed to his mother's colourful vocabulary and followed suit. Thank the Lord. I'd rather a pew-full of old dears regaled me with sweary gangster rap than my own sweet innocent child utter a vulgarity.

But I guess it is only a matter of time before I hear "but you say it all the time, mummy", when a colourful utterance leaves his lips in temper or exasperation.

The survey also revealed a gender divide - men obviously being far more foul-mouthed than women could ever dream of being - with only 83% of the fairer sex letting rip with a curse on a daily basis compared to 90% of men.

Which I guess a lot of readers might say is, in their experiences, absolute &%*£%^"s.